The hardest thing for me as a mom is to see my children hurting and not be able to do anything about it. No matter how tightly I hold them and no matter how many tears I wipe away sometimes there is just nothing I can do.
This morning my darling Katy lost one of her gerbils. To some, this may seem small, trivial, a mere rodent. But to Katy, Dazzle was an animal she loved daily, held daily, talked to daily. A friend, a confidant, a comfort. For three years Katy used her own money for everything relating to this pet. The food, the bedding, the endless things it chewed through. She invested time, money and most of all, love.
I will never forget the piercing scream and then the sobbing I heard this morning as Katy ran to me; “Dazzle is dead mommy Dazzle is dead!” I will never forget my own tears as I held her tightly, squeezed her as she sobbed. And I will never forget the horrible, horrible feeling that there was absolutely nothing, nothing at all that I could do.
We went through the motions. We made a coffin. My husband dug a grave in the cold, hard winter ground. Our family stood in a circle and held a funeral by the light of the candle. Katy struggled through tears to read a tribute she wrote and then two poems. And then we sang a song and said a prayer sending Dazzle off to God. Small things, little things to try to help her through the pain.
Now Katy is in bed struggling to sleep. I lay holding her as she cried some more asking me questions I cannot answer. “Why did God have to take her? Why now? Why so soon?” And my own questions to God, “Why now? Why at Christmas time? Why so soon?”
And then a thought occurred to me. The same questions Katy is asking of me, I am asking of God. And I too, do not receive an answer. I too cannot understand. So perhaps, just maybe in some small way God is helping to show me that we cannot always give our children answers but we can always give them love. And that at the end of the day love is what matters most of all. Love is what will get us through.
Rest in peace Dazzle. Thank you for giving Katy all the happiness that you gave to her.